reflection

i have a secret shame. well it is not really a shame i guess because i am owning up to it right now in a most public way.. i love to listen to country music. but i pretend i am too cool for it and i am not sure why. i don't think country music is necessarily nerdy but i think there is a stigma that goes along with it. anyhow, love it or hate it, i listen to it occasionally when i am alone in my car and by listen i mean full blast singing my heart out like i am the best singer anyone has ever met.(ps. i am.) well tonight i was driving a little way home and had my music blasting and i got to thinking because country music does that to me and i was thinking about my love life or lack thereof in the past
i was thinking about my first boyfriend and "missionary". man i loved him but was NOT the nicest of girlfriends. i was catty and bratty and caught up in myself he came home a wiser man and realized it and chose another girl over me. as far as i know they are doing great and are a great little family and i am so happy for them but at the time i thought i was going to die. i thought nothing could be worse. but country music go me through it. the dixie chicks in fact.oh man i needed them.
my next love was a friend i had had since sixth grade. i was sure we were meant to be together and he was the greatest thing. i thought we were perfect for each other and so did tons of other people.....except him. i was also immature and our communication was absent. it took a long time for me to get over him. YEARS!!!! but i did it and he is still one of my best friends in the whole wide world and i miss hanging out and talking and i miss his family. in my years of getting over said friend, country music came through for me. it was my shoulder to cry on when i was frustrated and sad and lonely.
my next love was another good friend and i was shy and reserved and insecure and things were not that open but oh we had some fun times and i still laugh aloud at the things we have done. he is great and i miss him and our escapades. ilove when we finally talk after months and it is as comfortable as always. man alive, but a broken heart.... guess who came through...country music.
tonight as i was driving, i was not frustrated or sad. i was happy and even a little sappy and i listened to some of the cheesiest lyrics around (come on admit it country fans) and i totally identified!!! i even got teary eyed as i thought of my little love waiting at home for me. he is perfect for me. and i sometimes feel a little lame that i am 30 and just barely married because in my culture that is a little strange but i am so glad i found him and he get me and loves me as i am with all my faults and foibles. and laughs at me when i am being hilarious even when no one else thinks i am. and reaches out to find me in the night and packs me a lunch and folds my underwear and millions of other unglamorous things. i love to come home to him. forever. and force him to listen to sappy country music with me once in a while. good old mark.